Books you buy at the airport can always be a bit hit and miss, I find myself drawn to ‘novelty books’ I would normally never buy under other circumstances. They have the advantage of diverting one from the tedium of the flight without being so engrossing that they stop you falling asleep. Recently ‘Türkleri Anlama Kılavuzu (The Guide to Understanding Turks) – 4th Edition’ caught my eye. It looked convincing with a suitably authentic picture of a Turkish tea glass on a white lace doily as the front cover. As İ am open to all offers of help with fitting in here I bought it. I thought İ might share with you some of the pearls of wisdom: 

Eating Out:

Rule 6 – if smoking in an open air restaurant when a wind blow’s up the appropriate measure is to put a serviette into the ashtray and wet it so ash adheres to it.

Rule 7 – Which ever man is paying the bill must count the money beneath the table, ideally the money is counted between the thighs and then placed into the bill holder and deposited on the table as swiftly as possible. This rule is applicable even if the only other diner is one’s wife. 

School:

Rule 15 – Some school teachers will, for reasons unknown, ask girls to cover their exercise books with red paper and boys with blue.

Rule 18 – Most school toilets are dumps and the chances of encountering soap are as high as the likelihood of a camel marrying a squirrel, to expect facilities of this order is akin to awaiting a lottery win.  

Hospitality and guests:

Rule 24 – If a guest requests only a little food the home owner assumes that this is due to shyness and automatically fills the bowl with as much food as they can.

Rule 26 – If you have had enough tea the non verbal way to indicate this is to turn your spoon upside down and place it on top of the mouth of the glass.

Rule 27 – A pair of slippers in pristine condition are always kept for guests, in no circumstances is pirate usage by children allowed as they will only deform the shape and wear them inappropriately in the bathroom and on the balcony. 

İn the workplace:

Rule 31 – The first money to pay for a purchase in a new workplace is framed and hung on the wall to bring good luck.

Rule 34 – While all other parts of a shop are thoroughly cleaned by hand door mats are thrown into the middle of the road in the belief that as cars run them over they will become cleaner.  

Children:

Rule 36 – Children reluctant to wash themselves will be washed by their mothers at the maximum bearable temperature. The hotter the water, the cleaner the kid is a common belief amongst Turkish mothers.

Rule 38 – İf on visiting friends or relations a child falls upon offered food like he’s never eaten before his mother is bound to express the sentiment that; ‘....he never eats this well at home......youd delicious food has increased his appetite...’

Rule 41 – any child who falls over and bangs his arm or scrapes his knee needs to beware of the extra smack he will get from his mum or dad when he goes to them to be comforted!

Rule 42 – Kolonya (lemon cologne) is placed in the hands of adults but on the heads of children, should a child find kolonya in his hands it is a sign that he is growing up.

Planes, trains, trucks and automobiles:

Rule 44 – In public vehicles where the use of a mobile phone is prohibited use of said equipment will unite the other passengers in a unanimous show of disapproval. The red cross over the mobile sticker has a power greater than any party motif or other emblem to bring people together in such complete agreement.

Rule 47 – If one attempts to board a public bus without a ticket it is common (on appeal to the driver to buy a ticket at the next stop) that the driver says ‘Don’t ask me, ask the other passengers’ whereupon a mini referendum is held. If the answer is yes the ticketless passenger can board and buy their ticket later.

Rule 49 – On an interstate bus unless their is a direct blood tie between passengers (husband/ wife, child, cousin, aunty etc) the bus company wil not allow a man to sit next to an unaccompanied woman. 

Weddings:

Rule 60 – The halay (a type of vigorous can-can) is first danced in a circle on the dance floor, the participants then weave between the tables picking up more and more dancers until finally all four walls of the wedding hall are lined with people kicking and swinging their legs. At this point the circle gradually breaks down and people wonder away but there are always a small knot of people who carry on obliviously.

Rule 61 – Wedding photos and videos are always kept immediately to hand to show visitors. Whether the visitors are interested or not is of no consequence. 

İn sickness and in health:

Rule 65 – the more medicines a doctor prescribes the better a doctor he is judged to be

Rule 66 – All medicines are kept in the fridge, when they take up all the room previously allocated to water, coks and fruit juice they are then put in the egg tray (where they cosy up with half dried lemons). 

On the road:

Rule 70 - On a narrow alley barely able to fit a car through it, the driver of the car will inevitably stop for a chat with a friend and if challenged insist on finishing their conversation.

Rule 74 – Shopkeepers fed up with people parking outside their premises solve the problem by putting old oil containers, plastic buckets, chairs, stones, old armchairs, scales etc on the road outside.

Rule 76 – If you are trying to find the way to a particular address you can meet with the extreme reaction, from those who will pretend to be strangers to the area to get out of helping you to the person who will happily jump in your car and take you all the way to the door you are looking for.